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Great Parents Have Great Marriages
Some who are reading this are already thinking “I’ve blown that one.” “I’m divorced” or “I’m a single parent.”
Let me explain to you God’s ideal which you know well. It is not divorce and not single parenting but children born to committed, loving moms and dads.
Yet 40% of homes today are dadless.
How does your marriage affect your children? 2 Major Ways
(1) Security
Picture this. When you are born in a marriage with mom and dad in the home, it’s kind of like being born into a physical house with four walls up. Those four walls represent safety, security and strength.
When that marriage dissolves—Walls begin to collapse. The very idea of security and safety are gone. What seemed to be unthinkable has now become hard reality. Sometimes children are forced to grow up way before they are ready.
(2) A Concept of Love
Many kids are scared to get married because they don’t think that kind of love exists. It’s an illusion to them. A Good Marriage shows them how to love, stay committed, give and take, and to serve
The greatest gift you can give to your children is to love each other as husbands and wives.
Here are some foundational truths and tips that can strengthen and help your marriage.
(1) Understand God’s Plan
In the book of Ephesians God maps out for us the relationship order that he meant for us to follow. These are four relationships that characterize the majority of people and the priority of these relationships is crucial. There are definite consequences when we get these out of order.
God First Ephesians 5:1 Imitate God, therefore, in everything you do, because you are his dear children.
Spouse Second Ephesians 5:21 And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Children Third Ephesians 6:1 Children, obey your parents because you belong to the Lord, for this is the right thing to do.
Work Fourth Ephesians 6:5 Slaves, obey your earthly masters with deep respect and fear. Serve them sincerely as you would serve Christ.
(2) Stay Close to Your Spouse
(1) Expanding Your Love Map
Just as a road map represents a geographical area, a Love Map is a representation of your spouse in your mind. Many people have put their spouse in a box. When this happens, you begin to see your spouse as stupid, unimportant, irrelevant because you’ve got them “all figured out.” The more detailed the map is of your spouse the stronger the marriage is. Detail is achieved by expanding your map. How do you do this? Asking questions, taking time to talk, constantly observing and by becoming a student of your spouse.
(2) Date Your Spouse—Who says dating has to end when you get married?
(3) Yearly Getaways—just you and her. These are investments into your marriage that pay huge dividens throughout the year.
(3) Feed Your Marriage
Read Books—ton of great books out there.
Go to Marriage Conferences and Seminars.
Get Help—Go to counseling and let others in.
When you are tempted to put all of your attention and energy into your kids ask yourself, “How’s my marriage?” You have to keep the four walls up and in good shape.
Some who are reading this are already thinking “I’ve blown that one.” “I’m divorced” or “I’m a single parent.”
Let me explain to you God’s ideal which you know well. It is not divorce and not single parenting but children born to committed, loving moms and dads.
Yet 40% of homes today are dadless.
How does your marriage affect your children? 2 Major Ways
(1) Security
Picture this. When you are born in a marriage with mom and dad in the home, it’s kind of like being born into a physical house with four walls up. Those four walls represent safety, security and strength.
When that marriage dissolves—Walls begin to collapse. The very idea of security and safety are gone. What seemed to be unthinkable has now become hard reality. Sometimes children are forced to grow up way before they are ready.
(2) A Concept of Love
Many kids are scared to get married because they don’t think that kind of love exists. It’s an illusion to them. A Good Marriage shows them how to love, stay committed, give and take, and to serve
The greatest gift you can give to your children is to love each other as husbands and wives.
Here are some foundational truths and tips that can strengthen and help your marriage.
(1) Understand God’s Plan
In the book of Ephesians God maps out for us the relationship order that he meant for us to follow. These are four relationships that characterize the majority of people and the priority of these relationships is crucial. There are definite consequences when we get these out of order.
God First Ephesians 5:1 Imitate God, therefore, in everything you do, because you are his dear children.
Spouse Second Ephesians 5:21 And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Children Third Ephesians 6:1 Children, obey your parents because you belong to the Lord, for this is the right thing to do.
Work Fourth Ephesians 6:5 Slaves, obey your earthly masters with deep respect and fear. Serve them sincerely as you would serve Christ.
(2) Stay Close to Your Spouse
(1) Expanding Your Love Map
Just as a road map represents a geographical area, a Love Map is a representation of your spouse in your mind. Many people have put their spouse in a box. When this happens, you begin to see your spouse as stupid, unimportant, irrelevant because you’ve got them “all figured out.” The more detailed the map is of your spouse the stronger the marriage is. Detail is achieved by expanding your map. How do you do this? Asking questions, taking time to talk, constantly observing and by becoming a student of your spouse.
(2) Date Your Spouse—Who says dating has to end when you get married?
(3) Yearly Getaways—just you and her. These are investments into your marriage that pay huge dividens throughout the year.
(3) Feed Your Marriage
Read Books—ton of great books out there.
Go to Marriage Conferences and Seminars.
Get Help—Go to counseling and let others in.
When you are tempted to put all of your attention and energy into your kids ask yourself, “How’s my marriage?” You have to keep the four walls up and in good shape.
DISCIPLINE
James Dobson once said that “Child rearing is like baking a cake. You don’t realize you have a disaster until it’s too late.” (Dare to Discipline)
Some of you may be at the opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to discipline.
Maybe you grew up in a home where you were treated harshly, or maybe you see love and discipline as opposites.
Whatever background you come from, let me remind you that: discipline is healthy.
(1) It’s Something God Does
When we discipline, we model and reflect God.
Proverbs 3:11-12 My child, don't reject the LORD's discipline, and don't be upset when he corrects you. 12 For the LORD corrects those he loves, just as a father corrects a child in whom he delights.
Discipline is healthy when it is carried out the way the Lord does it—with Love. When it becomes unhealthy is when it absent of God’s Love.
(2) It’s Something God Counsels Us to Do
Proverbs 19:18 Discipline your children while there is hope. Otherwise you will ruin their lives.
Proverbs 22:15 A youngster's heart is filled with foolishness, but physical discipline will drive it far away.
-Proverbs 23:13-14 Don't fail to discipline your children. They won't die if you spank them. 14 Physical discipline may well save them from death.
So, we know that it’s healthy and right but we have to find out how to do it.
There are primarily four parenting styles and these are ranked in the order of proven effectiveness.
Balanced: High love and high discipline in the home.
Permissive: High love and low discipline in the home.
Neglectful: Low love and low discipline in the home.
Authoritarian: Low love and high discipline in the home.
The one that fathers tend to gravitate towards, Authoritarian, ranks dead last, even behind a neglectful, uncaring parent.
Ask yourself, “Am I balanced? Am I more of a friend to my child than a parent? Am I preoccupied with things other than my children? Do my rules outweigh my affection?”
Ask your spouse in what category she would place you.
Ask your children the same question.
Here’s some things you need to understand as far as discipline is concerned.
1. Our Children Are On Loan From God
Deuteronomy 6:4-9 "Listen, O Israel! The LORD is our God, the LORD alone. 5 And you must love the LORD your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your strength. 6 And you must commit yourselves wholeheartedly to these commands that I am giving you today. 7 Repeat them again and again to your children. Talk about them when you are at home and when you are on the road, when you are going to bed and when you are getting up. 8 Tie them to your hands and wear them on your forehead as reminders.9 Write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.
Genesis 2:23-24 23 "At last!" the man exclaimed. "This one is bone from my bone, and flesh from my flesh! She will be called 'woman,' because she was taken from 'man.'" 24 This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.
God has given us the responsibility to love and teach them and help them leave successfully.
2. Discipline is Loving
Proverbs 13:24 Those who spare the rod of discipline hate their children. Those who love their children care enough to discipline them.
It is not something you do to the child but for the child
Highly beneficial “I love you too much to let you behave like that.”
3. Discipline is For Motivation Not Humiliation so don’t discipline out of frustration!
They are not there for you to take out your anger and frustration on. Discipline is a teaching tool to push in the right direction. It is there to reinforce staying on the right path.
4. Discipline Develops Respect
A child’s relationship with his or her parents provides the basis for his attitude toward all other people. (Crucial to understand)
Romans 13:1-2 Everyone must submit to governing authorities. For all authority comes from God, and those in positions of authority have been placed there by God. 2 So anyone who rebels against authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and they will be punished
This sense of authority and respect for authority is reinforced or neglected in the home by the way they interact with the parent
All of us are flawed, including our children, and children who are left to themselves will most times become wrapped up in themselves.
One of the best ways to develop respect in your children is for you to model respect in your life.
Do you have a problem with authority? Are you teachable? Are you obeying God, the Ultimate Authority?
7 things to remember that will help you in your discipline process
(1) Mom’s and Dad’s Need to be on the Same Page: No strategy works better than a unified front
(2) Follow Through: Start early with saying what you mean and sticking by it.
(3) Deal With Issues in Private, Not in Public: Find a quiet place and take care of the problem.
Your children need to know that the same rules at home apply everywhere.
You take them to a quiet place for three reasons:
(a) Because you don’t want to humiliate your child
(b) For the consideration of the people around you. Others don’t want to see your business.
(c) You can take your time dealing with the issue and explaining the issue.
(4) Make the Punishment Fit the Crime: Childish goofs are different than defiant authority
Spanking, for us, is reserved for the worst.
(5) Establish Clear Boundaries: Explain the Rules Before you Enforce the Rules (Here’s what I am expecting…)
Make sure they know where the line is. They need to clearly know what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior.
(6) Establish a Healthy Fear: You are the parent first and foremost.
(7) Be a Constant Learner: Never stop learning about how to be a great parent.
Ask other parents and read, read, read.
James Dobson once said that “Child rearing is like baking a cake. You don’t realize you have a disaster until it’s too late.” (Dare to Discipline)
Some of you may be at the opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to discipline.
Maybe you grew up in a home where you were treated harshly, or maybe you see love and discipline as opposites.
Whatever background you come from, let me remind you that: discipline is healthy.
(1) It’s Something God Does
When we discipline, we model and reflect God.
Proverbs 3:11-12 My child, don't reject the LORD's discipline, and don't be upset when he corrects you. 12 For the LORD corrects those he loves, just as a father corrects a child in whom he delights.
Discipline is healthy when it is carried out the way the Lord does it—with Love. When it becomes unhealthy is when it absent of God’s Love.
(2) It’s Something God Counsels Us to Do
Proverbs 19:18 Discipline your children while there is hope. Otherwise you will ruin their lives.
Proverbs 22:15 A youngster's heart is filled with foolishness, but physical discipline will drive it far away.
-Proverbs 23:13-14 Don't fail to discipline your children. They won't die if you spank them. 14 Physical discipline may well save them from death.
So, we know that it’s healthy and right but we have to find out how to do it.
There are primarily four parenting styles and these are ranked in the order of proven effectiveness.
Balanced: High love and high discipline in the home.
Permissive: High love and low discipline in the home.
Neglectful: Low love and low discipline in the home.
Authoritarian: Low love and high discipline in the home.
The one that fathers tend to gravitate towards, Authoritarian, ranks dead last, even behind a neglectful, uncaring parent.
Ask yourself, “Am I balanced? Am I more of a friend to my child than a parent? Am I preoccupied with things other than my children? Do my rules outweigh my affection?”
Ask your spouse in what category she would place you.
Ask your children the same question.
Here’s some things you need to understand as far as discipline is concerned.
1. Our Children Are On Loan From God
Deuteronomy 6:4-9 "Listen, O Israel! The LORD is our God, the LORD alone. 5 And you must love the LORD your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your strength. 6 And you must commit yourselves wholeheartedly to these commands that I am giving you today. 7 Repeat them again and again to your children. Talk about them when you are at home and when you are on the road, when you are going to bed and when you are getting up. 8 Tie them to your hands and wear them on your forehead as reminders.9 Write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.
Genesis 2:23-24 23 "At last!" the man exclaimed. "This one is bone from my bone, and flesh from my flesh! She will be called 'woman,' because she was taken from 'man.'" 24 This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.
God has given us the responsibility to love and teach them and help them leave successfully.
2. Discipline is Loving
Proverbs 13:24 Those who spare the rod of discipline hate their children. Those who love their children care enough to discipline them.
It is not something you do to the child but for the child
Highly beneficial “I love you too much to let you behave like that.”
3. Discipline is For Motivation Not Humiliation so don’t discipline out of frustration!
They are not there for you to take out your anger and frustration on. Discipline is a teaching tool to push in the right direction. It is there to reinforce staying on the right path.
4. Discipline Develops Respect
A child’s relationship with his or her parents provides the basis for his attitude toward all other people. (Crucial to understand)
Romans 13:1-2 Everyone must submit to governing authorities. For all authority comes from God, and those in positions of authority have been placed there by God. 2 So anyone who rebels against authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and they will be punished
This sense of authority and respect for authority is reinforced or neglected in the home by the way they interact with the parent
All of us are flawed, including our children, and children who are left to themselves will most times become wrapped up in themselves.
One of the best ways to develop respect in your children is for you to model respect in your life.
Do you have a problem with authority? Are you teachable? Are you obeying God, the Ultimate Authority?
7 things to remember that will help you in your discipline process
(1) Mom’s and Dad’s Need to be on the Same Page: No strategy works better than a unified front
(2) Follow Through: Start early with saying what you mean and sticking by it.
(3) Deal With Issues in Private, Not in Public: Find a quiet place and take care of the problem.
Your children need to know that the same rules at home apply everywhere.
You take them to a quiet place for three reasons:
(a) Because you don’t want to humiliate your child
(b) For the consideration of the people around you. Others don’t want to see your business.
(c) You can take your time dealing with the issue and explaining the issue.
(4) Make the Punishment Fit the Crime: Childish goofs are different than defiant authority
Spanking, for us, is reserved for the worst.
(5) Establish Clear Boundaries: Explain the Rules Before you Enforce the Rules (Here’s what I am expecting…)
Make sure they know where the line is. They need to clearly know what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior.
(6) Establish a Healthy Fear: You are the parent first and foremost.
(7) Be a Constant Learner: Never stop learning about how to be a great parent.
Ask other parents and read, read, read.
DISCIPLESHIP
How to lead your children to Christ
1. Pray them into the Kingdom
2. Talk with them constantly about the Gospel and relate as much as you can back to it.
3. Talk with them quietly about spiritual things as they go to bed.
4. Model Jesus for them.
5. Teach them the Word of God from an early age.
6. Talk with them about how you came to know Jesus.
7. Involve them in community with other believers.
How to feed your children the Word of God
1. Put a Scripture on the fridge each week for the family to memorize.
2. Especially when they are younger, act out bed time Bible stories and make them as dramatic as possible.
3. Have a Bible at the dinner table and read from it and discuss it when you sit down.
4. Involve them in community with other believers.
5. As they get older, spend strategic time with them. Date your children. Take each one a trip or a weekend getaway to get to know them better and to pour into them the Word. Assign them books to read and talk about them once they are finished.
6. Celebrate the 7 Feasts with them using Pastor Matt’s book. He says that is by far the greatest discipleship tool that he has used.
7. Pray with them
8. Help them process the situations they face from a Biblical perspective.
9. Model godliness at home.
How to lead your children to Christ
1. Pray them into the Kingdom
2. Talk with them constantly about the Gospel and relate as much as you can back to it.
3. Talk with them quietly about spiritual things as they go to bed.
4. Model Jesus for them.
5. Teach them the Word of God from an early age.
6. Talk with them about how you came to know Jesus.
7. Involve them in community with other believers.
How to feed your children the Word of God
1. Put a Scripture on the fridge each week for the family to memorize.
2. Especially when they are younger, act out bed time Bible stories and make them as dramatic as possible.
3. Have a Bible at the dinner table and read from it and discuss it when you sit down.
4. Involve them in community with other believers.
5. As they get older, spend strategic time with them. Date your children. Take each one a trip or a weekend getaway to get to know them better and to pour into them the Word. Assign them books to read and talk about them once they are finished.
6. Celebrate the 7 Feasts with them using Pastor Matt’s book. He says that is by far the greatest discipleship tool that he has used.
7. Pray with them
8. Help them process the situations they face from a Biblical perspective.
9. Model godliness at home.
CONFLICT
Ephesians 6:4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord.
Anger is what a lot of kids feel and many times it’s from our hands.
Gary Smalley, in his book “The Key to Your Child’s Heart,” talks about an open or closed spirit.
What does he mean by an “Open or Closed” spirit?
An open spirit is easy to spot (laughing, affection, openness, fun)
A closed spirit is an offended spirit (Argumentative, Resistant, Unresponsive to Affection).
It is characterized by Unforgiveness, Hurt, Anger, Bitterness
4 Reasons Why They Close
1. Misunderstood
Proverbs 22:6 Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it.
KJV “train up…in the way he should go” Hebrew “according to his bent” It’s like a hunter looking for the right branch for his bow (bent in the right direction)
He doesn’t try to bend a branch in the opposite direction from how it is made.
All of us are wired in a certain way, so we get to know their personality—how they are wired.
Don’t force them to become what they don’t want to be.
How do you keep from doing that? Become a student of your child.
It may frustrate you that they don’t like what you like or they aren’t like you are. Don’t force.
2. Unprepared
Ephesians 6:4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord.
“Discipline and Instruction”—not with the absence of love. Remember the authoritarian household—Rules with out love is a great recipe for rebellion.
Lovingly teaching and training in order to take the clumsiness out of life.
Robert Lewis in Men’s Fraternity is always encouraging Dads to not let their sons guess at life. He mentions two things that we have to teach them:
(a) Life Skills
Teach them how to…date, money, interview, home projects, etc.
Anger in boys happens when they feel awkward, or unprepared or clueless or foolish.
(b) Life’s Meaning
Talk with them about deep things (spiritual things)“Why” answers
3. Neglected
When they are viewed as unimportant or in your way, they feel like a burden.
Don’t neglect them.
4. Treated Harshly
I’m sure some of us have at one time or another have wanted to take parental authority too far.
We discipline out of a spirit of anger/frustration.
We demand perfection/not making mistakes.
We make them live up to unrealistic standards that we can’t even meet.
We can wound so deeply by the way we treat them.
How to Open? (5 things to do)
1. Humble Yourself
2. Come Clean: Take responsibility “I hurt you, I was wrong, I did…”
3. Verbalize your Desire to be Forgiven: Don’t demand it/Don’t ask for it
Express your heart “I hope that you can forgive me one day”
4. Embrace
5. Take the necessary steps to get back on track.
If you failed to recognize their giftedness or wiring, encourage them in it now.
If they left, unprepared, give them what you know now.
If they were put on the backburner, put them on the front now.
If you treated them harshly, apologize and treat them good now.
Ephesians 6:4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord.
Anger is what a lot of kids feel and many times it’s from our hands.
Gary Smalley, in his book “The Key to Your Child’s Heart,” talks about an open or closed spirit.
What does he mean by an “Open or Closed” spirit?
An open spirit is easy to spot (laughing, affection, openness, fun)
A closed spirit is an offended spirit (Argumentative, Resistant, Unresponsive to Affection).
It is characterized by Unforgiveness, Hurt, Anger, Bitterness
4 Reasons Why They Close
1. Misunderstood
Proverbs 22:6 Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it.
KJV “train up…in the way he should go” Hebrew “according to his bent” It’s like a hunter looking for the right branch for his bow (bent in the right direction)
He doesn’t try to bend a branch in the opposite direction from how it is made.
All of us are wired in a certain way, so we get to know their personality—how they are wired.
Don’t force them to become what they don’t want to be.
How do you keep from doing that? Become a student of your child.
It may frustrate you that they don’t like what you like or they aren’t like you are. Don’t force.
2. Unprepared
Ephesians 6:4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord.
“Discipline and Instruction”—not with the absence of love. Remember the authoritarian household—Rules with out love is a great recipe for rebellion.
Lovingly teaching and training in order to take the clumsiness out of life.
Robert Lewis in Men’s Fraternity is always encouraging Dads to not let their sons guess at life. He mentions two things that we have to teach them:
(a) Life Skills
Teach them how to…date, money, interview, home projects, etc.
Anger in boys happens when they feel awkward, or unprepared or clueless or foolish.
(b) Life’s Meaning
Talk with them about deep things (spiritual things)“Why” answers
3. Neglected
When they are viewed as unimportant or in your way, they feel like a burden.
Don’t neglect them.
4. Treated Harshly
I’m sure some of us have at one time or another have wanted to take parental authority too far.
We discipline out of a spirit of anger/frustration.
We demand perfection/not making mistakes.
We make them live up to unrealistic standards that we can’t even meet.
We can wound so deeply by the way we treat them.
How to Open? (5 things to do)
1. Humble Yourself
2. Come Clean: Take responsibility “I hurt you, I was wrong, I did…”
3. Verbalize your Desire to be Forgiven: Don’t demand it/Don’t ask for it
Express your heart “I hope that you can forgive me one day”
4. Embrace
5. Take the necessary steps to get back on track.
If you failed to recognize their giftedness or wiring, encourage them in it now.
If they left, unprepared, give them what you know now.
If they were put on the backburner, put them on the front now.
If you treated them harshly, apologize and treat them good now.
BLENDED FAMILIES
The family unit is vastly changing.
No longer is it just the traditional nuclear family with dad and mom married forever having children.
That model is actually now ONE of the prevalent models in the culture today.
Now, because of either the choices that we directly made or the choices brought upon us that we had no control over, the way the family looks today has dramatically changed.
Think about these scenarios that change the family dynamic:
Death of a Mom or Dad
Divorce—Mom and Dad no longer living under the same roof.
One Mom or one Dad raising a family, not both.
Grandparents now in the place of Mom and Dad for one reason or another.
Two Moms and Two Dads with step brothers and sisters and half brothers and sisters.
It’s what we would call a blended family, and it is REALITY for many, many people in our culture.
There are many, many unique challenges that traditional families don’t have to deal with.
Blended families have two extra stressors that many relationships never have to deal with.
1. Someone else's ex.
2. Someone else's child
Here’s a few things that blended families have to deal with:
Disputes over money
Disputes over parenting styles
Disputes over discipline
Perceived “favoritism” among the children
Custody, visitation, and/or financial support issues
Ex-husband/Ex-wife issues (when you marry this new person, you get everything that comes with them)
Children interaction among each other
New parent to child and new child to new parent interactions
Intense family loyalty (one team vs another team mentality)
Disputes over traditions, ways of doing things, right way to do something and wrong ways Conflicts over stepparent responsibilities and authority
Stepparent and/or ex-spouse jealousy issues
What do these families need to keep in mind at all times?
1. The Blended Family Is Birthed From Brokenness
Think about it. Something died, something failed, something broke.
Again, whether it was because of you or because something unexpectedly came to you.
So, if something broke, something was lost, or someone died, what do you need to do?
MOURN: Give time and space for people to grieve and mourn (especially kids). Help them heal.
2. The Blended Family Brings Baggage
Everyone in a blended family had a previous history. Expectations, how things should be done, how special events should be celebrated, how it’s okay to show emotions.
Not only do you have the baggage of nuclear family upbringing, you also bring in the baggage from the family dynamic you were just in.
What can you do?
GET AS MUCH BAGGAGE OUT OF THE SUITCASES AND ONTO THE TABLE
Unpack, understand and clarify.
COMPROMISE
Figure those things out over time and compromise where you can.
3. The Blended Family Needs To Navigate Parenting Very Well
You have your own kids and NOW you have someone else’s kids.
The reason why many of these 2nd and 3rd marriages don’t work is because of parenting issues.
Previously I talked about the Ephesian pattern of relationships (God, Children, Spouse, Work)
When something out of the norm happens, that model has to be adjusted.
In the beginning stages of the “new family”, it looks like this (God, Children, Spouse, Work).
Why?
The parent/child relationship predates the new husband/wife relationship. There has to be time for that adjustment to take place.
After adjustments have been made, then it can be switched. This is not to say that your new marriage is not important. It is equally important. It’s just that the parent/child relationship needs time in the beginning.
What about discipline in this new dynamic?
As a new mom or new dad coming into a new family dynamic, you can’t discipline normally.
If you do, you are going to incite rebellion and anger in the heart of that child.
What do you do generally speaking (because every situation is unique)?
Let the biological parent of the child administer the consequences. Spouses can come up with consequences that they agree on, but the administering of those consequences should come from the biological parent.
What then is the role of the step-parent? It is to try your best to develop a good friendship with those kids.
4. The Blended Family Needs Time
Becoming a new family takes time.
Do not think “months” but “years.” (Think for the long haul).
It is going to take time. Stay in there, stick with it. Don’t give up.
What blended families have to do
(1) Embrace The Body of Christ
Remember, the church family comes alongside of the blended family.
(2) Embrace Professional Help
Don’t run from outside help but rather embrace outside help to help you deal with issues.
Read, listen, study.
(3) Embrace Hope
Romans 15:13 (NLT) I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.
Jesus can change situations, Jesus can heal, Jesus can restore, Jesus can make new.
Place your faith in the hope of Jesus.
Conclusion:
My wife comes from a broken home situation.
When Amy was born, her biological father was not there. He was lying drunk in a gutter on the street. My wife never really knew her real father. Her parents divorced when she was young.
And then a wonderful man entered the family when Amy was about 10 years old.
Dr. Tom Holden. He was an OBGYN in their town.
And he came in and set the course of that family in a rapidly, upwardly direction.
Our first son, Holden, is named after Dr. Holden (Amy’s stepdad).
Amy’s biological father was not there for her birth, but guess who the OBGYN was who was on call that day on Friday, October 13, 1978 in Grenada, MS? Dr. Tom Holden.
God is a God of Hope, Forgiveness, Restoration and Renewal. Put your hope in Him.
The family unit is vastly changing.
No longer is it just the traditional nuclear family with dad and mom married forever having children.
That model is actually now ONE of the prevalent models in the culture today.
Now, because of either the choices that we directly made or the choices brought upon us that we had no control over, the way the family looks today has dramatically changed.
Think about these scenarios that change the family dynamic:
Death of a Mom or Dad
Divorce—Mom and Dad no longer living under the same roof.
One Mom or one Dad raising a family, not both.
Grandparents now in the place of Mom and Dad for one reason or another.
Two Moms and Two Dads with step brothers and sisters and half brothers and sisters.
It’s what we would call a blended family, and it is REALITY for many, many people in our culture.
There are many, many unique challenges that traditional families don’t have to deal with.
Blended families have two extra stressors that many relationships never have to deal with.
1. Someone else's ex.
2. Someone else's child
Here’s a few things that blended families have to deal with:
Disputes over money
Disputes over parenting styles
Disputes over discipline
Perceived “favoritism” among the children
Custody, visitation, and/or financial support issues
Ex-husband/Ex-wife issues (when you marry this new person, you get everything that comes with them)
Children interaction among each other
New parent to child and new child to new parent interactions
Intense family loyalty (one team vs another team mentality)
Disputes over traditions, ways of doing things, right way to do something and wrong ways Conflicts over stepparent responsibilities and authority
Stepparent and/or ex-spouse jealousy issues
What do these families need to keep in mind at all times?
1. The Blended Family Is Birthed From Brokenness
Think about it. Something died, something failed, something broke.
Again, whether it was because of you or because something unexpectedly came to you.
So, if something broke, something was lost, or someone died, what do you need to do?
MOURN: Give time and space for people to grieve and mourn (especially kids). Help them heal.
2. The Blended Family Brings Baggage
Everyone in a blended family had a previous history. Expectations, how things should be done, how special events should be celebrated, how it’s okay to show emotions.
Not only do you have the baggage of nuclear family upbringing, you also bring in the baggage from the family dynamic you were just in.
What can you do?
GET AS MUCH BAGGAGE OUT OF THE SUITCASES AND ONTO THE TABLE
Unpack, understand and clarify.
COMPROMISE
Figure those things out over time and compromise where you can.
3. The Blended Family Needs To Navigate Parenting Very Well
You have your own kids and NOW you have someone else’s kids.
The reason why many of these 2nd and 3rd marriages don’t work is because of parenting issues.
Previously I talked about the Ephesian pattern of relationships (God, Children, Spouse, Work)
When something out of the norm happens, that model has to be adjusted.
In the beginning stages of the “new family”, it looks like this (God, Children, Spouse, Work).
Why?
The parent/child relationship predates the new husband/wife relationship. There has to be time for that adjustment to take place.
After adjustments have been made, then it can be switched. This is not to say that your new marriage is not important. It is equally important. It’s just that the parent/child relationship needs time in the beginning.
What about discipline in this new dynamic?
As a new mom or new dad coming into a new family dynamic, you can’t discipline normally.
If you do, you are going to incite rebellion and anger in the heart of that child.
What do you do generally speaking (because every situation is unique)?
Let the biological parent of the child administer the consequences. Spouses can come up with consequences that they agree on, but the administering of those consequences should come from the biological parent.
What then is the role of the step-parent? It is to try your best to develop a good friendship with those kids.
4. The Blended Family Needs Time
Becoming a new family takes time.
Do not think “months” but “years.” (Think for the long haul).
It is going to take time. Stay in there, stick with it. Don’t give up.
What blended families have to do
(1) Embrace The Body of Christ
Remember, the church family comes alongside of the blended family.
(2) Embrace Professional Help
Don’t run from outside help but rather embrace outside help to help you deal with issues.
Read, listen, study.
(3) Embrace Hope
Romans 15:13 (NLT) I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.
Jesus can change situations, Jesus can heal, Jesus can restore, Jesus can make new.
Place your faith in the hope of Jesus.
Conclusion:
My wife comes from a broken home situation.
When Amy was born, her biological father was not there. He was lying drunk in a gutter on the street. My wife never really knew her real father. Her parents divorced when she was young.
And then a wonderful man entered the family when Amy was about 10 years old.
Dr. Tom Holden. He was an OBGYN in their town.
And he came in and set the course of that family in a rapidly, upwardly direction.
Our first son, Holden, is named after Dr. Holden (Amy’s stepdad).
Amy’s biological father was not there for her birth, but guess who the OBGYN was who was on call that day on Friday, October 13, 1978 in Grenada, MS? Dr. Tom Holden.
God is a God of Hope, Forgiveness, Restoration and Renewal. Put your hope in Him.
PARENTING HELP
(1) Great Kids have Great Friends
David and Jonathan (show you what this looks like Biblically)
1 Samuel 18:1-4 After David had finished talking with Saul, he met Jonathan, the king's son. There was an immediate bond between them, for Jonathan loved David.
2 From that day on Saul kept David with him and wouldn't let him return home. 3 And Jonathan made a solemn pact with David, because he loved him as he loved himself. 4 Jonathan sealed the pact by taking off his robe and giving it to David, together with his tunic, sword, bow, and belt.
King Saul became very jealous of David and tried to kill him. David told Jonathan about this.
I Samuel 20:12-13 Then Jonathan told David, "I promise by the LORD, the God of Israel, that by this time tomorrow, or the next day at the latest, I will talk to my father and let you know at once how he feels about you. If he speaks favorably about you, I will let you know.13 But if he is angry and wants you killed, may the LORD strike me and even kill me if I don't warn you so you can escape and live. May the LORD be with you as he used to be with my father.
It was to Jonathan’s advantage for David to die (Jonathan was next in line to be King, it would have made him closer to his Father)
He feared God. He knew the Lord’s plan and he wanted that more than his own good. His loyalty was not with his father. Nor was it with David. It was with the Lord.
These are the kinds of friends our kids need.
Your child’s friends will influence them (for good or for bad)
Proverbs 13:20 Walk with the wise and become wise; associate with fools and get in trouble.
(a) Model good friendships for your kids: Godly people who call you up
(b) Pray for your kids to find godly friends
(c) Help them recognize the influence (good or bad) Point out the characteristics of a good friend (calls them up)
(d) Find godly people to be around your child: Create opportunities for them to be together
(2) Great Kids have Great Accountability
One of the best ways to build accountability into your home is to live in community with people. Not casual relationships but deep relationships
This builds a safe zone around your kids so that the accountability process can take place.
My parents provided this for me and didn’t even try to (I don’t think)
4 or 5 couples that they got together with all the time.
Same values, same direction, same love for the Lord.
All of the kids played together as well.
Here’s what I soon learned: For me to mess up big time, not only would I let my parents down, but everybody else they were in relationship with and all of their children.
Another way is to be involved in a Box church.
Involvement is healthy for the family.
Box Church provides avenues for you to live in community with others.
(3) Great Kids Have Great Outside Influence—it’s the relationship every child needs apart from you.
“You don’t have to talk with me, but you have to talk to someone.”
Someone you trust that shares your same values. Arrange times for your child to spend with this person. It may be your brother or sister. Their grandparent. A godly friend.
(4) Great Kids have a Great Strategy
At the first of every year, you and your spouse take your calendar and plan it by asking these questions:
(a) What are some things we want our kids to experience and enjoy that we can afford?
What do we want to do together as a family?
*Memories of doing things as a family are so valuable to a young mind*
Direct correlation between the memories we choose to keep and the lifestyle we choose to live.
(b) What are the things that need to be instilled in our kids this year?
What do they need to hear from you this year?
What do they need to receive from you this year?
What do we want to teach them?
What goals do we want them to reach?
(c) Make a profile of each of your children (update every year)
What are they like?
What do they enjoy?
What do they struggle with?
How are they wired?
This will direct you in how to encourage, train, celebrate and pray for your children.
(5) Great Kids have a Great Faith
I love the story of Samuel (Speak, Lord speak. Your servant is listening) and David as a young boy (Passionately loved God).
Great faith has to be modeled by Mom and Dad (authentic, genuine, love for God). Not keeping up appearances or putting on a good impression.
Give that to them in as many ways as possible.
(6) Great Kids have a Great Dad
Not a dad who is just involved (b/c you can still be visionless), but involved and strategic.
Dad’s and Daughters
Research shows: If Dad is there, warm, loving, strategic:
Girls are very secure in their identity as women
They easily relate to the opposite sex.
They often have a highly fulfilling sex life with their husbands
If he’s not there: uninvolved emotionally, absent, abusive:
Girls develop personalities that are insecure, anxious, and have difficulty in forming healthy relationships with men. (Always fight to connect)
They become inappropriately self-abusive, angry, and promiscuous
(1) Great Kids have Great Friends
David and Jonathan (show you what this looks like Biblically)
1 Samuel 18:1-4 After David had finished talking with Saul, he met Jonathan, the king's son. There was an immediate bond between them, for Jonathan loved David.
2 From that day on Saul kept David with him and wouldn't let him return home. 3 And Jonathan made a solemn pact with David, because he loved him as he loved himself. 4 Jonathan sealed the pact by taking off his robe and giving it to David, together with his tunic, sword, bow, and belt.
King Saul became very jealous of David and tried to kill him. David told Jonathan about this.
I Samuel 20:12-13 Then Jonathan told David, "I promise by the LORD, the God of Israel, that by this time tomorrow, or the next day at the latest, I will talk to my father and let you know at once how he feels about you. If he speaks favorably about you, I will let you know.13 But if he is angry and wants you killed, may the LORD strike me and even kill me if I don't warn you so you can escape and live. May the LORD be with you as he used to be with my father.
It was to Jonathan’s advantage for David to die (Jonathan was next in line to be King, it would have made him closer to his Father)
He feared God. He knew the Lord’s plan and he wanted that more than his own good. His loyalty was not with his father. Nor was it with David. It was with the Lord.
These are the kinds of friends our kids need.
Your child’s friends will influence them (for good or for bad)
Proverbs 13:20 Walk with the wise and become wise; associate with fools and get in trouble.
(a) Model good friendships for your kids: Godly people who call you up
(b) Pray for your kids to find godly friends
(c) Help them recognize the influence (good or bad) Point out the characteristics of a good friend (calls them up)
(d) Find godly people to be around your child: Create opportunities for them to be together
(2) Great Kids have Great Accountability
One of the best ways to build accountability into your home is to live in community with people. Not casual relationships but deep relationships
This builds a safe zone around your kids so that the accountability process can take place.
My parents provided this for me and didn’t even try to (I don’t think)
4 or 5 couples that they got together with all the time.
Same values, same direction, same love for the Lord.
All of the kids played together as well.
Here’s what I soon learned: For me to mess up big time, not only would I let my parents down, but everybody else they were in relationship with and all of their children.
Another way is to be involved in a Box church.
Involvement is healthy for the family.
Box Church provides avenues for you to live in community with others.
(3) Great Kids Have Great Outside Influence—it’s the relationship every child needs apart from you.
“You don’t have to talk with me, but you have to talk to someone.”
Someone you trust that shares your same values. Arrange times for your child to spend with this person. It may be your brother or sister. Their grandparent. A godly friend.
(4) Great Kids have a Great Strategy
At the first of every year, you and your spouse take your calendar and plan it by asking these questions:
(a) What are some things we want our kids to experience and enjoy that we can afford?
What do we want to do together as a family?
*Memories of doing things as a family are so valuable to a young mind*
Direct correlation between the memories we choose to keep and the lifestyle we choose to live.
(b) What are the things that need to be instilled in our kids this year?
What do they need to hear from you this year?
What do they need to receive from you this year?
What do we want to teach them?
What goals do we want them to reach?
(c) Make a profile of each of your children (update every year)
What are they like?
What do they enjoy?
What do they struggle with?
How are they wired?
This will direct you in how to encourage, train, celebrate and pray for your children.
(5) Great Kids have a Great Faith
I love the story of Samuel (Speak, Lord speak. Your servant is listening) and David as a young boy (Passionately loved God).
Great faith has to be modeled by Mom and Dad (authentic, genuine, love for God). Not keeping up appearances or putting on a good impression.
Give that to them in as many ways as possible.
(6) Great Kids have a Great Dad
Not a dad who is just involved (b/c you can still be visionless), but involved and strategic.
Dad’s and Daughters
Research shows: If Dad is there, warm, loving, strategic:
Girls are very secure in their identity as women
They easily relate to the opposite sex.
They often have a highly fulfilling sex life with their husbands
If he’s not there: uninvolved emotionally, absent, abusive:
Girls develop personalities that are insecure, anxious, and have difficulty in forming healthy relationships with men. (Always fight to connect)
They become inappropriately self-abusive, angry, and promiscuous
DADS and SONS
Several things your son needs
(1) Time Together “puts weight in that steadies the son”
(2) Life Skills “so he won’t feel like a fool in life”
Ephesians “do not make your children angry by the way you treat them.”
By what you do or don’t do for them
(3) Direction with Solid “why” answers
What is life about and what does life mean?
(4) Convictions through modeling “you will leave w/ your sons what you model at home”
(5) Your Heart “transparent and tender”
Your role is so important. Don’t come to that sense after they are gone. Realize it now.
Several things your son needs
(1) Time Together “puts weight in that steadies the son”
(2) Life Skills “so he won’t feel like a fool in life”
Ephesians “do not make your children angry by the way you treat them.”
By what you do or don’t do for them
(3) Direction with Solid “why” answers
What is life about and what does life mean?
(4) Convictions through modeling “you will leave w/ your sons what you model at home”
(5) Your Heart “transparent and tender”
Your role is so important. Don’t come to that sense after they are gone. Realize it now.
10 THINGS YOUR CHILD WANTS YOU TO KNOW
By listening to our children and hearing what’s on their heart, we are valuing what God values and we are walking in wisdom. So, what are your kids trying to tell you?
(1) “I need you to know that you must be there for me in the early years because it is critical for my development.”
75% of everything a child will know is established by age 6.
According to Harvard—Experiences, whether good or bad, literally shape the architecture of the developing brain.
Here’s what that means.
The experiences that your child goes through during these early years can actually become wired into their brain.
Provide a loving, nurturing, safe environment for your child in the early years.
(2) “I need you to tell me 3 things over and over.”
3 things that every child needs to hear.
-I Love You, I’m Proud of You, You are Good At (and then state what they are good at).
I love you—affection. “You are worth something to me.”
I’m proud of you—Admiration. “I’m glad you belong to me.”
You’re good at…—Observation. “I notice you.” “You’re important to me.” “You’re worthy of my time.”
At Jesus’ baptism what did the Father say about His Son?
This is my beloved Son—I love you.
In whom I am well pleased—I’m proud of you.
Do what He says—because He’s good.
Wives, the greatest thing you can say to your husband is “I’m proud of you.”
(3) “I need you to praise me often.”
How many of you could honestly raise your hand and say that you are overly praised? That you receive too much praise as it is and don’t need anymore?
We are all under praised.
Create opportunities to praise your children
When our children were little, my wife and I would stand up and clap when one of our children cleans their plate. We would sing this silly song and the kids would dance around the room, all for cleaning their plate!
It is so easy to find fault. Start looking for opportunities to praise.
(4) “I need you to know that too much is too much.”
1. Too much control crushes or incites to rebellion.
2. Too much money spoils and pacifies.
3. Too high expectations discourage and embitter.
(5) “I need you to know that you can wound me for a lifetime.”
You can be the ‘hero’ that let them down.
You have the power to lift or crush that little one entrusted to your care by the Lord by what you say and how you live.
(6) “I need you to know that I am very forgiving.”
A child naturally wants to connect and be close to a mom or a dad.
Just sincerely ask for forgiveness, and they will give it.
It is never too late to say “I’m sorry.”
(7) “I need you to adjust your leadership style to me as I grow.”
4 stages of leadership (From Men’s Fraternity).
1. 0-13 “Coach” –direct and instruct. (Do this, go here, etc.)
2. 13-18 “Counselor”—helping to solve problems, to encourage.
3. 18-22 “Consultant”—Invited in. To listen, and instruct when asked.
4. 22-- “Colleague”—a trusted Friend.
(8) “I need you to make our home a place of open communication.”
Your child is learning. They may think they know everything but we know better.
Always give instruction with reason when possible.
Try to avoid “because I said so.”
When your child honestly, not defiantly, asks why, then tell them why.
(9) “I need you to let me fail.”
Too many parents come to the rescue of their children too soon. It is the natural thing to do.
We can instruct and warn, but sometimes the best lessons are learned through failure.
When you always come to their rescue, what is that teaching them? Someone will always bail me out.
(10) “I need you to give your best to me when we are together.”
The Industrial Revolution changed the family unit. Before that dad primarily worked from home around his children. Children were around their dad in the best part of their day.
Dads were now driving into work. The best part of their days were spent away from their children. When dads got home, it was hard not to give the family leftovers.
Try as best as you can, not to give your family the leftovers of you.
By listening to our children and hearing what’s on their heart, we are valuing what God values and we are walking in wisdom. So, what are your kids trying to tell you?
(1) “I need you to know that you must be there for me in the early years because it is critical for my development.”
75% of everything a child will know is established by age 6.
According to Harvard—Experiences, whether good or bad, literally shape the architecture of the developing brain.
Here’s what that means.
The experiences that your child goes through during these early years can actually become wired into their brain.
Provide a loving, nurturing, safe environment for your child in the early years.
(2) “I need you to tell me 3 things over and over.”
3 things that every child needs to hear.
-I Love You, I’m Proud of You, You are Good At (and then state what they are good at).
I love you—affection. “You are worth something to me.”
I’m proud of you—Admiration. “I’m glad you belong to me.”
You’re good at…—Observation. “I notice you.” “You’re important to me.” “You’re worthy of my time.”
At Jesus’ baptism what did the Father say about His Son?
This is my beloved Son—I love you.
In whom I am well pleased—I’m proud of you.
Do what He says—because He’s good.
Wives, the greatest thing you can say to your husband is “I’m proud of you.”
(3) “I need you to praise me often.”
How many of you could honestly raise your hand and say that you are overly praised? That you receive too much praise as it is and don’t need anymore?
We are all under praised.
Create opportunities to praise your children
When our children were little, my wife and I would stand up and clap when one of our children cleans their plate. We would sing this silly song and the kids would dance around the room, all for cleaning their plate!
It is so easy to find fault. Start looking for opportunities to praise.
(4) “I need you to know that too much is too much.”
1. Too much control crushes or incites to rebellion.
2. Too much money spoils and pacifies.
3. Too high expectations discourage and embitter.
(5) “I need you to know that you can wound me for a lifetime.”
You can be the ‘hero’ that let them down.
You have the power to lift or crush that little one entrusted to your care by the Lord by what you say and how you live.
(6) “I need you to know that I am very forgiving.”
A child naturally wants to connect and be close to a mom or a dad.
Just sincerely ask for forgiveness, and they will give it.
It is never too late to say “I’m sorry.”
(7) “I need you to adjust your leadership style to me as I grow.”
4 stages of leadership (From Men’s Fraternity).
1. 0-13 “Coach” –direct and instruct. (Do this, go here, etc.)
2. 13-18 “Counselor”—helping to solve problems, to encourage.
3. 18-22 “Consultant”—Invited in. To listen, and instruct when asked.
4. 22-- “Colleague”—a trusted Friend.
(8) “I need you to make our home a place of open communication.”
Your child is learning. They may think they know everything but we know better.
Always give instruction with reason when possible.
Try to avoid “because I said so.”
When your child honestly, not defiantly, asks why, then tell them why.
(9) “I need you to let me fail.”
Too many parents come to the rescue of their children too soon. It is the natural thing to do.
We can instruct and warn, but sometimes the best lessons are learned through failure.
When you always come to their rescue, what is that teaching them? Someone will always bail me out.
(10) “I need you to give your best to me when we are together.”
The Industrial Revolution changed the family unit. Before that dad primarily worked from home around his children. Children were around their dad in the best part of their day.
Dads were now driving into work. The best part of their days were spent away from their children. When dads got home, it was hard not to give the family leftovers.
Try as best as you can, not to give your family the leftovers of you.
YOU AS A PARENT
The kind of person you are in your character, morality, and in your faith before God will greatly influence how your children will turn out.
Your children want to be like you and your children will model what you do.
One person I was listening to said that parents ought to be willing to march their kids in front of them and say to them “whatever I watch, I want you to watch. How ever I drive, how I treat people, etc.”
The reality is that you don’t have to do that because they will model that anyway.
It has been said that “whatever parent gives his children good instruction and sets for them at the same time a bad example, may be considered as bringing them food in one hand and poison in the other.”
It is very hard for a young boy to become a devoted Christ follower if he sees that it’s not important to the natural hero in his life—his dad.
Children will model what you do. They are crying out, “Show me what to believe by living it.”
Have you seen your need for Jesus and put your trust in Him?
Have you surrendered completely to Him?
Are you willing to be fully obedient to Him?
The kind of person you are in your character, morality, and in your faith before God will greatly influence how your children will turn out.
Your children want to be like you and your children will model what you do.
One person I was listening to said that parents ought to be willing to march their kids in front of them and say to them “whatever I watch, I want you to watch. How ever I drive, how I treat people, etc.”
The reality is that you don’t have to do that because they will model that anyway.
It has been said that “whatever parent gives his children good instruction and sets for them at the same time a bad example, may be considered as bringing them food in one hand and poison in the other.”
It is very hard for a young boy to become a devoted Christ follower if he sees that it’s not important to the natural hero in his life—his dad.
Children will model what you do. They are crying out, “Show me what to believe by living it.”
Have you seen your need for Jesus and put your trust in Him?
Have you surrendered completely to Him?
Are you willing to be fully obedient to Him?
PARENTS, KIDS and PHONES and SOCIAL MEDIA...
Not too long ago, my brother and I were recently talking about the 90’s.
Had video games but not the internet.
Had TV but not DVR’s and On-Demand and Smart TV’s.
Had car phones but not smart phones.
If you wanted to see a movie, what did you do? Go to Blockbuster and rent one.
If you wanted an audio CD or album, what did you do? Go to music store and buy one.
We could say a number of things about the 90’s. Let me say this: WE ARE NO LONGER IN THE 90’s.
Now, anything you want to see, listen to, or know you can do from your smartphone.
Any music, any movie, any fact, any book, any library, any picture, can be viewed on a smartphone.
And it all can be done without driving anywhere or leaving your home.
What you can hold in your hand has more computing power than what it took to put a man on the moon in 1969.
Now, along with TV (and internet on your TV), you have:
Desktops (becoming obsolete), Laptops, Tablets, Gaming Systems (internet access), smartphones and smart watches.
And THIS GENERATION coming up, has NEVER been without these.
75% have a cell-phone.
22% log on to their favorite site 10+ times a day.
To not have a phone in today’s culture is deemed as being detached and isolated from friends.
It is literally a different world and a different way of parenting.
Think about all the things a smartphone can do:
Newspaper, Search engine, Dictionary, Library, Personal Assistant, Flashlight, Voice Recorder, Music Player, Bible, Calendar, Phone, Camera, Messenger, Television, Video Camera, Social Outlet, Clock, Stopwatch, and I’m not listing a thousand more uses!
And as soon as you figure something out regarding technology, as soon as you master something, something else comes out and that thing that you mastered has now become obsolete!
Here’s the deal about technology. Yes, it’s a tool to help us. But, it also can be a VICE that can lead us into dangerous places.
Pornography, Predators, False Identity, Counterfeit Connections, Unreal Reality, Scams, Addictions, Depression, Anxiety,
This is why technology has to be handled with Care and Accountability. If you are a parent with children living at home, you have to act (you can’t sit silently).
Things that you have to do:
(1) Know The Battle
Not talking about a battle regarding the arguments you and your teenager have about their phone. No, there is a Spiritual Battle taking place all around them waging war for their hearts.
2 Corinthians 10:3-5 (NIV) For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does.
4 The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds.
5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
-Ephesians 6:10-12 (NLT) A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.
11 Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil.
12 For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.
It is a battle that wants to trap, enslave, cause to stumble and fall.
Think about social media and the “like” button.
How many believe they are liked or not based on whether or not they receive “likes” on their post?
Our identities get wrapped up in all of this stuff.
The depression rate has skyrocketed among young adults.
To where can depression lead if not addressed?
“The devil came to steal, kill and to destroy.”
You have to understand that your children are in a battle and you have to teach them how to battle.
How do you wage war against the enemy?
By the Renewing Of Your Mind
Romans 12:1-2 (NIV) Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship.
2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Key Questions we should be asking: How does God view them? How does God accept them? How does God “like them?” Who should they be trying to please at all times?
(2) Stand Guard
Don’t mentally disengage (tired, busy, we get it)
Parent’s give devices to pacify, to soothe, to shut up.
There are people who want to prey upon and trap and addict your kids.
-Dads and Moms, we are the protectors and guardians of our homes.
We don’t go along with what culture says to do. We do what we know is right. YOU HAVE TO STAND GUARD at all times. (The enemy doesn’t take a day off).
(3) Model Behavior
Be an example to them of how to use technology wisely.
If you don’t want them to constantly be on it, don’t constantly be on it.
If you don’t want them looking at it while driving, don’t drive with it.
If you don’t want them looking at bad stuff, don’t look at bad stuff.
Whatever you want reaped in your children, model it for them.
1 Corinthians 11:1 (NLT) And you should imitate me, just as I imitate Christ.
(4) Be Involved
Proverbs 29:15 (ESV) The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.
We cannot leave children to themselves. We have to help them navigate technology.
Practical Advice: (What we have done in our home).
(1) No phones in the bedrooms, disable gaming device (internet access).
Internet search: How to set up parental controls on your specific gaming device.
(2) No phones at the table
(3) Internet Filter (Circle by Disney) with time limits and device cut-off and bedtimes with internet cut-offs.
(4) Device specific features:
APPLE
“Screen time” on Apple devices in Settings
Downloading new app requires parent password
Filter on device “Limit adult content.”
ANDROID
No built in Parental Controls on operating system
My Circle can block certain apps from your child’s android phone.
(5) Random Phone Checks
Web browser History
Text messages
Social Media : Open up to their news feed and see what they are posting and friends are posting.
Gaming App (MK story)
YouTube check history
Install Bark on your child’s phone. It really works and monitors things for you.
(6) Set a schedule for electronics, gaming systems
Time limits and usage limits (My Circle does that).
(7) Old Devices Laying Around
Make sure they are filtered. Don’t forget about any devices.
(8) Be careful with social media
No underage social media (manufacturers set age at 13+).
Don’t use search feature
Twitter is unfiltered and includes explicit pornography
Snapchat has disappearing messages, articles on sex in the news feed (discover section). Instagram has a search feature that is unfiltered and includes pornography).
On Instagram: Private account (no one can see your account unless you give them permission. Private account keeps people from finding your child but doesn’t stop your child from the full access to the search feature.
Tik Tok has unfiltered videos posted by people from all over the world that use bad language and explicit music.
Stay current on your child’s newsfeed, (scroll through and see what they’ve been viewing and what their friends are up to).
Look at it together with your child.
Why we don’t let our children have every app. (Just because you are filtering the internet, does NOT mean they are filtering social media apps and searches).
You cannot search history in an app.
(9) Rules at our house apply to rules away from house
If kids are watching something, looking at something inappropriate, ask them about it.
Know your child’s friends. Know their parents.
(10) Expect Backlash from your kids, their friends and your friends.
“everyone has this app.” “why are we the only ones…” “it’s embarrassing.” “Don’t you trust me?” “When can I have this app?”
Remind them that having a phone is a privilege, not a right or a need.
If they are not following your expectations, TAKE IT AWAY.
(11) The electric device/phone belongs to YOU.
If it is being used in an inappropriate way, take it away. It is not a right for a child to have a phone, it is a privilege.
(12) No deleting.
Your kids have to know that there can be no deleting anything from their phones or their will be consequences. You have to make them understand this.
(13) Know all passwords
You have to know the passwords into their phones and every password associated with their device.
(14) Know that your kids will be CRAFTY and SNEAKY!
Enough said in the title.
The goal for them in this media age is to have an active, growing, passionate relationship with Jesus! For them to surrender their hearts to Jesus and for the Holy Spirit to guide and convict them.
We cannot choose for them, but we can give them rules and boundaries help them navigate the traps of this world and make it easier for them to discern God’s way for their life.
Proverbs 4:23 (NIV) Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.
When they are young and still maturing, you guard their heart.
While you are guarding it, you teach them how to guard their heart. And teach them to only give it to Jesus and trust His ways and His promises.
Not too long ago, my brother and I were recently talking about the 90’s.
Had video games but not the internet.
Had TV but not DVR’s and On-Demand and Smart TV’s.
Had car phones but not smart phones.
If you wanted to see a movie, what did you do? Go to Blockbuster and rent one.
If you wanted an audio CD or album, what did you do? Go to music store and buy one.
We could say a number of things about the 90’s. Let me say this: WE ARE NO LONGER IN THE 90’s.
Now, anything you want to see, listen to, or know you can do from your smartphone.
Any music, any movie, any fact, any book, any library, any picture, can be viewed on a smartphone.
And it all can be done without driving anywhere or leaving your home.
What you can hold in your hand has more computing power than what it took to put a man on the moon in 1969.
Now, along with TV (and internet on your TV), you have:
Desktops (becoming obsolete), Laptops, Tablets, Gaming Systems (internet access), smartphones and smart watches.
And THIS GENERATION coming up, has NEVER been without these.
75% have a cell-phone.
22% log on to their favorite site 10+ times a day.
To not have a phone in today’s culture is deemed as being detached and isolated from friends.
It is literally a different world and a different way of parenting.
Think about all the things a smartphone can do:
Newspaper, Search engine, Dictionary, Library, Personal Assistant, Flashlight, Voice Recorder, Music Player, Bible, Calendar, Phone, Camera, Messenger, Television, Video Camera, Social Outlet, Clock, Stopwatch, and I’m not listing a thousand more uses!
And as soon as you figure something out regarding technology, as soon as you master something, something else comes out and that thing that you mastered has now become obsolete!
Here’s the deal about technology. Yes, it’s a tool to help us. But, it also can be a VICE that can lead us into dangerous places.
Pornography, Predators, False Identity, Counterfeit Connections, Unreal Reality, Scams, Addictions, Depression, Anxiety,
This is why technology has to be handled with Care and Accountability. If you are a parent with children living at home, you have to act (you can’t sit silently).
Things that you have to do:
(1) Know The Battle
Not talking about a battle regarding the arguments you and your teenager have about their phone. No, there is a Spiritual Battle taking place all around them waging war for their hearts.
2 Corinthians 10:3-5 (NIV) For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does.
4 The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds.
5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
-Ephesians 6:10-12 (NLT) A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.
11 Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil.
12 For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.
It is a battle that wants to trap, enslave, cause to stumble and fall.
Think about social media and the “like” button.
How many believe they are liked or not based on whether or not they receive “likes” on their post?
Our identities get wrapped up in all of this stuff.
The depression rate has skyrocketed among young adults.
To where can depression lead if not addressed?
“The devil came to steal, kill and to destroy.”
You have to understand that your children are in a battle and you have to teach them how to battle.
How do you wage war against the enemy?
By the Renewing Of Your Mind
Romans 12:1-2 (NIV) Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship.
2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Key Questions we should be asking: How does God view them? How does God accept them? How does God “like them?” Who should they be trying to please at all times?
(2) Stand Guard
Don’t mentally disengage (tired, busy, we get it)
Parent’s give devices to pacify, to soothe, to shut up.
There are people who want to prey upon and trap and addict your kids.
-Dads and Moms, we are the protectors and guardians of our homes.
We don’t go along with what culture says to do. We do what we know is right. YOU HAVE TO STAND GUARD at all times. (The enemy doesn’t take a day off).
(3) Model Behavior
Be an example to them of how to use technology wisely.
If you don’t want them to constantly be on it, don’t constantly be on it.
If you don’t want them looking at it while driving, don’t drive with it.
If you don’t want them looking at bad stuff, don’t look at bad stuff.
Whatever you want reaped in your children, model it for them.
1 Corinthians 11:1 (NLT) And you should imitate me, just as I imitate Christ.
(4) Be Involved
Proverbs 29:15 (ESV) The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.
We cannot leave children to themselves. We have to help them navigate technology.
Practical Advice: (What we have done in our home).
(1) No phones in the bedrooms, disable gaming device (internet access).
Internet search: How to set up parental controls on your specific gaming device.
(2) No phones at the table
(3) Internet Filter (Circle by Disney) with time limits and device cut-off and bedtimes with internet cut-offs.
(4) Device specific features:
APPLE
“Screen time” on Apple devices in Settings
Downloading new app requires parent password
Filter on device “Limit adult content.”
ANDROID
No built in Parental Controls on operating system
My Circle can block certain apps from your child’s android phone.
(5) Random Phone Checks
Web browser History
Text messages
Social Media : Open up to their news feed and see what they are posting and friends are posting.
Gaming App (MK story)
YouTube check history
Install Bark on your child’s phone. It really works and monitors things for you.
(6) Set a schedule for electronics, gaming systems
Time limits and usage limits (My Circle does that).
(7) Old Devices Laying Around
Make sure they are filtered. Don’t forget about any devices.
(8) Be careful with social media
No underage social media (manufacturers set age at 13+).
Don’t use search feature
Twitter is unfiltered and includes explicit pornography
Snapchat has disappearing messages, articles on sex in the news feed (discover section). Instagram has a search feature that is unfiltered and includes pornography).
On Instagram: Private account (no one can see your account unless you give them permission. Private account keeps people from finding your child but doesn’t stop your child from the full access to the search feature.
Tik Tok has unfiltered videos posted by people from all over the world that use bad language and explicit music.
Stay current on your child’s newsfeed, (scroll through and see what they’ve been viewing and what their friends are up to).
Look at it together with your child.
Why we don’t let our children have every app. (Just because you are filtering the internet, does NOT mean they are filtering social media apps and searches).
You cannot search history in an app.
(9) Rules at our house apply to rules away from house
If kids are watching something, looking at something inappropriate, ask them about it.
Know your child’s friends. Know their parents.
(10) Expect Backlash from your kids, their friends and your friends.
“everyone has this app.” “why are we the only ones…” “it’s embarrassing.” “Don’t you trust me?” “When can I have this app?”
Remind them that having a phone is a privilege, not a right or a need.
If they are not following your expectations, TAKE IT AWAY.
(11) The electric device/phone belongs to YOU.
If it is being used in an inappropriate way, take it away. It is not a right for a child to have a phone, it is a privilege.
(12) No deleting.
Your kids have to know that there can be no deleting anything from their phones or their will be consequences. You have to make them understand this.
(13) Know all passwords
You have to know the passwords into their phones and every password associated with their device.
(14) Know that your kids will be CRAFTY and SNEAKY!
Enough said in the title.
The goal for them in this media age is to have an active, growing, passionate relationship with Jesus! For them to surrender their hearts to Jesus and for the Holy Spirit to guide and convict them.
We cannot choose for them, but we can give them rules and boundaries help them navigate the traps of this world and make it easier for them to discern God’s way for their life.
Proverbs 4:23 (NIV) Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.
When they are young and still maturing, you guard their heart.
While you are guarding it, you teach them how to guard their heart. And teach them to only give it to Jesus and trust His ways and His promises.